I've been working outside of Kwinana area for the last week and a half up in Fremantle, so it has been an exciting time almost completely devoid of boganistic behaviours. I say almost because of an incident that happened when I went to get lunch one day in Freo. I was wandering around, getting my bearings in one of the many nice shopping arcades and I noticed a small crowd gathering, pointing at a man who was walking near me. The man was a menacing looking fellow, which I say purely because he wasn't wearing a shirt. It's one of the world's simple truths that the guy going shirtless in a shopping mall is not to be made eye-contact with and is to be given a wide-berth. After he passed me, I crossed the road and asked a guy in the crowd what was going on. He said that the shirtless dude had been kicking things over (tables and signs in the mall) and had "grabbed a female by the hind quarters and called her a slut. Or something". By now I wished I hadn't asked the guy anything because he was just one of those people who shouldn't be engaged with.
"Right," I said, "have the Police been called?"
"I think so, but those cunts are just as bad." So you can see what I mean.
"Good-o" was what I attempted to finish and walk away with but he kept on.
"Yeah, he walked right near me and I was gonna drop the cunt but he never started, so, you know"
I smiled and walked away, hoping to run into the shirtless menace again, who's company I would have much preferred.
Today I had a few quotes to do, which is almost always amusing because of the different homes I go into and the people I meet. And the details they are willing to go into about their lives with almost no prompting at all. Pretty much EVERYONE in Kwinana has "something". A medical issue, a mental issue, an issue with the Government/Real Estate Agent/Ex-partner blah blah blah. I never ask for details on these things, people are just happy to share. Today, a lady whose house I had to go into had issues with a number of these. She started off by telling me that the reason the house is such a mess is because she has been in hos[ital for the last few weeks getting her next series of skin grafts. I didn't ask why she needed them, so she told me anyway. Apparently she "picked up a bug" that causes her to get infections on any scratch on her body. I said "Ew, sounds nasty" to which she replied "Don't even get me started"
Believe me, getting her "started" was the last thing on my mind. Actually, I'm pretty sure she had already started. Whatevs.
Then she told me that the last Handyman to be sent around was the "cheapest cunt they could find", but it didn't surprise her because her landlords are "a big pile of lesbians who have no interest in spending money". She told me that they routinely do "drive-bys to measure the length of the lawn and they get out and measure the bush to see if its been trimmed". Then she laughed and said "And if there's one thing lezzos know about, it's bush".
So yeah, I was pretty happy when I got to leave.
Monday, November 24, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
It's CLOMPERIN' TIME. Also, Lesson 2 in Comedy
Special K set a new record for indoor clomping today and clomped the house muttering about having to do everything herself. When she was in the bathroom I heard her saying "How many fucken signs do I have to put up around this place? Not many let me tell you because pretty soon I'm going to be living on my own again" CLOMP CLOMP CLOMP. I snorted. "Let me tell you" is a great thing to say when you are talking to yourself. Then I heard Not Gary come out of his room and ask if she was ok and said if she needed a hand with anything, just to ask. So I quite like him now.
Unlike a lot of share houses, the kitchen here is very clean. I've only cooked a couple of times since moving in but on my personal scale of Share House cleanliness, I give it "0" Cockroaches. In the last place I lived the kitchen was probably a 4 on the Cockroach Scale, even if I actually only ever saw one cockroach in it. The Cockroach scale only goes up to 5. Giving it a "4" means it was so crummy that even when it was clean it still looked like somewhere only the dirtiest cockroaches went to take a shit. The lack of kitchen cleanliness there was often my fault but in my defence I just couldn't be bothered.
ANYWAY Later, I actually went into the kitchen to cook a delicious creamy seafood linguine which I forgot to take a photo of because I was too busy loving eating it. 101 Dalmations obviously wasn't too exciting because Special came into the kitchen and said "You probably like The Stand Up comedies, right?"
"Yeah, depen" CUT OFF
"Because I taped the Montreal Comedy Festival, if you wanted to watch that before I delete it"
Which is thoughtful, isn't it?
"Oh nice one, who" CUT OFF
"Wil Anderson, Dave Hughes, Adam Hills. They're all pretty good. Wil Anderson is hosting it. You know Dave Hughes, Adam Hills, they're both married and have kids. At least Wil Anderson is single, so there's still hope for me".
YOU ARE MARRIED. Did you forget about the marriage counselling that you came home from YESTERDAY? OK, so you'll probably get divorced but whatevs.
She continued "Although good luck having a marriage with someone who isn't in Australia most of the time"
"Yes", I said, thinking about how well her marriage to someone who is in Australia all of the time is going.
"Wil Anderson is in America most of the time now, so it baffles me how he makes any money because they just don't get our humour."
"Yeaah, I'm not sure that's accurate" I said, in what was probably my first full sentence of the "conversation". I was about to mention Jim Jefferies and some other Aussies who do well there but she cut me off.
"Well, they definitely don't get the British. You know that movie Death At A Funeral? That's an English movie, right and when they made that, they did an English and a US version, because they knew that the Americans wouldn't get the jokes."
"Right" I said. I had to hold my tongue because Im pretty sure those movies were made a few years apart. So I went back to stirring my linguine and wishing I was doing The Stand Up Comedy in America. I mean, that is my dream in life but right then I wanted it because I just wanted be as far away from this conversation as possible.
Unlike a lot of share houses, the kitchen here is very clean. I've only cooked a couple of times since moving in but on my personal scale of Share House cleanliness, I give it "0" Cockroaches. In the last place I lived the kitchen was probably a 4 on the Cockroach Scale, even if I actually only ever saw one cockroach in it. The Cockroach scale only goes up to 5. Giving it a "4" means it was so crummy that even when it was clean it still looked like somewhere only the dirtiest cockroaches went to take a shit. The lack of kitchen cleanliness there was often my fault but in my defence I just couldn't be bothered.
ANYWAY Later, I actually went into the kitchen to cook a delicious creamy seafood linguine which I forgot to take a photo of because I was too busy loving eating it. 101 Dalmations obviously wasn't too exciting because Special came into the kitchen and said "You probably like The Stand Up comedies, right?"
"Yeah, depen" CUT OFF
"Because I taped the Montreal Comedy Festival, if you wanted to watch that before I delete it"
Which is thoughtful, isn't it?
"Oh nice one, who" CUT OFF
"Wil Anderson, Dave Hughes, Adam Hills. They're all pretty good. Wil Anderson is hosting it. You know Dave Hughes, Adam Hills, they're both married and have kids. At least Wil Anderson is single, so there's still hope for me".
YOU ARE MARRIED. Did you forget about the marriage counselling that you came home from YESTERDAY? OK, so you'll probably get divorced but whatevs.
She continued "Although good luck having a marriage with someone who isn't in Australia most of the time"
"Yes", I said, thinking about how well her marriage to someone who is in Australia all of the time is going.
"Wil Anderson is in America most of the time now, so it baffles me how he makes any money because they just don't get our humour."
"Yeaah, I'm not sure that's accurate" I said, in what was probably my first full sentence of the "conversation". I was about to mention Jim Jefferies and some other Aussies who do well there but she cut me off.
"Well, they definitely don't get the British. You know that movie Death At A Funeral? That's an English movie, right and when they made that, they did an English and a US version, because they knew that the Americans wouldn't get the jokes."
"Right" I said. I had to hold my tongue because Im pretty sure those movies were made a few years apart. So I went back to stirring my linguine and wishing I was doing The Stand Up Comedy in America. I mean, that is my dream in life but right then I wanted it because I just wanted be as far away from this conversation as possible.
Still having your little life thing?
I went to have a shower and I realised that my only towel was still in the car from when I went to the beach. So I went and got it and that meant going through the living/lounge room where Special K was working on something on her laptop.
As I came back inside with the towel, she said "I'm doing a presentation for my course and I would appreciate not having anybody stomping back and forth all the while".
"Oh, sorry, I didn't reali..." CUT OFF
"I haven't started it yet"
"Oh, ok. When is..." CUT OFF
"Seven o'clock"
An hour away. So, in an hour, you don't want the person who stays in his room most of the time to suddenly start making multiple loud trips through the house. Shouldn't be an issue. There is just something about people who aren't at all self-aware. If Special K had to live with a clone of herself that behaved exactly the way she behaves, she and the clone would hate each other and it would be "the other one's" fault.
"That's ok, I will be gone by then"
"Are you going out?" seems like an arbitrary question considering I just said I would be gone by then. Which "gone" did she think I meant? Dead?
"Yes, I have a gig in Fr" CUT OFF
"Oh are you doing one of your little comedy things?"
I'm pretty sure ALL comedians have come across this particular verbal annoyance. The belittlement of your significant life-goal.
The reality of chasing a career in comedy is that you wont even get noticed for 8 years. It is like an apprenticeship that will take as long as it does to become a specialised surgeon "so you're still doing your your little heart course are you?" or much longer or MAYBE I will never achieve it. I hope I do but the point is that even if I don't, I tried. Because I pity anyone who doesn't at least try. Yes, I am still following my insignificant hobby. Yes, the thing I work hardest at and want to do most in my life is "little". To put this in perspective for people who don't follow a creative dream, it would be the equivalent of me asking a carpenter's apprentice if they are "still working on your little woodwork thing?" or someone who works very hard in a corporate environment whether they are "still doing their little CEO whatsit". "Another kid! Still doing your little parenting thing, then?" "Hey women, still persisting with your little feminism thing?"
OK so with knowledge of Special K's life in general maybe I should just put it down to ignorance
As I came back inside with the towel, she said "I'm doing a presentation for my course and I would appreciate not having anybody stomping back and forth all the while".
"Oh, sorry, I didn't reali..." CUT OFF
"I haven't started it yet"
"Oh, ok. When is..." CUT OFF
"Seven o'clock"
An hour away. So, in an hour, you don't want the person who stays in his room most of the time to suddenly start making multiple loud trips through the house. Shouldn't be an issue. There is just something about people who aren't at all self-aware. If Special K had to live with a clone of herself that behaved exactly the way she behaves, she and the clone would hate each other and it would be "the other one's" fault.
"That's ok, I will be gone by then"
"Are you going out?" seems like an arbitrary question considering I just said I would be gone by then. Which "gone" did she think I meant? Dead?
"Yes, I have a gig in Fr" CUT OFF
"Oh are you doing one of your little comedy things?"
I'm pretty sure ALL comedians have come across this particular verbal annoyance. The belittlement of your significant life-goal.
The reality of chasing a career in comedy is that you wont even get noticed for 8 years. It is like an apprenticeship that will take as long as it does to become a specialised surgeon "so you're still doing your your little heart course are you?" or much longer or MAYBE I will never achieve it. I hope I do but the point is that even if I don't, I tried. Because I pity anyone who doesn't at least try. Yes, I am still following my insignificant hobby. Yes, the thing I work hardest at and want to do most in my life is "little". To put this in perspective for people who don't follow a creative dream, it would be the equivalent of me asking a carpenter's apprentice if they are "still working on your little woodwork thing?" or someone who works very hard in a corporate environment whether they are "still doing their little CEO whatsit". "Another kid! Still doing your little parenting thing, then?" "Hey women, still persisting with your little feminism thing?"
OK so with knowledge of Special K's life in general maybe I should just put it down to ignorance
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